dear you,

me kinda ⤴︎ (｡•́   ̫ •̀｡)

helloooo !

i've been wanting to start a blog for a reallyyy long time, and after some recent life experiences where i felt like all i wanted to do was rant, i figured now would be the perfect time lolz.

this blog will essentially be rants, some with purpose, others not really. but i think the overall message of it is pretty simple: and then i was okay. 

i hope that the same can be said for you. :)

⋆˚꩜｡

this is mostly for myself. i think i just want a place to get everything out because it feels like no matter how much i say, i always have more to add. but i would loveeee to be able to make mutuals on here. i'm not really expecting any 

comments or advice box contributions, but i added them anyway because if anyone happens to stumble across this and wants to say something, i would be more than happy to read it (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) 

with love,

nix

atSeptember 18, 2026 8 comments:

dear stranger,

hiiiii !!! i know i have a small about me profile on here and my carrd linked, but in case you didn't see it or want to know a bit more about me, i figured i would do a small get-to-know-me ! i'm going to try to mention things that i haven't already, but if i do restate something, then i'll add a little more to it.

my name is nix; i just turned 20 (#hag). i'm a college student; you'll definitely see me complain on here about school a few times. i'm mexican american, and i speak english and spanish; feel free to communicate in either !

p.s. i mainly go by nix and she/her, but i also go by lluvia and he/they, so refer to me as you see fit !

things that make me, me...

i am nothing without my ships. seriously. i love edits, both making them and watching someone else make one so good that i have to stare at my screen for five minutes afterward. i have loved quizzes for as long as i can remember, which is why there was absolutely no way i was making this blog without putting one on it. i love reality tv in that very specific way where i know it's probably terrible for me but i simply do not care. i'm constantly chasing the high i felt from watching antm for the first time. i also do a british accent an absolutely concerning amount, to the point where sometimes i accidentally get stuck in it and have to consciously switch back to my normal accent. maybe that's why i love jude bellingham so much... #hmmm

and i love people who care. bring back chalance dude. what happened to people who gaf ?? everyone wanna be so nonchalant nowadays, but i genuinely think the person who cares always wins.

currently...

• listening to: letter home - childish gambino
• watching: physical 100 mexico
• thinking about: arda güler
• reading: ao3 narusasu fic
• trying to: finish fixing this damn blog layout, finish my schoolwork, and and and so much

i have three main sections on this blog all about slightly different things, but the overall message of this blog is, "and then i was okay." no matter what i've gone through and how genuinely destroyed i might've felt, i'm still here, and i'm trying to do better.

the girl in the margins: this is about feeling invisible; like no matter what i do, no one sees me for who i am, and maybe even that no one ever will. it's a little ironic. i think this whole blog is about wanting to finally feel seen, and still i'll write about being invisible.

a growing pains diary: this is about all the complicated feelings that come with growing up. becoming an adult while still feeling like a little kid, figuring things out as i go, and trying to make peace with the fact that i don't actually have everything figured out yet.

passing thoughts: this is for any little thought i have that feels worthy enough to be on this blog. things i hated, things i loved, people who irritated me, people who made me happy, random observations, tiny rants, and whatever else happens to be taking up space in my head. mostly for when i don't feel like writing a whole essay lol.

i hope you think of me when you see him

anyway, that's me, i think,

nix

atSeptember 29, 2026 No comments:

dear world,

i am now a PROUD owner of a butter squishy YAYYYY !!! it's been my dream squishy for like ever now, i can't believe i randomly found it

with soooo much happiness,

nix

dear idk,

i'm 20 now....AHHHHH it feels so scary

with a heavy heart,

nix

dear baby bang community,

i am now one of you AHHHH !!! i literally can't tell if i hate it or kinda like it but i'm leaning towards i might #kms

with conflicted feelings,

nix

i don't want to be 20.

dear 19,

i don't want to be 20.

i don't want to get older, not that there's anything wrong with getting older, more like there's something wrong with ME getting older. it just doesn't feel right. 19 feels like me; it feels right, it makes sense, almost perfect sense, and it's like the perfect age to be. i'm an adult, but i'm also a teenager; there's something so beautiful about that. beautiful about being the age that is the last stop before everything ends. not that life ends when you get older; well, i guess at a certain point it does...? but more like this is the last age where i get to use my age as an excuse.

"you don't know what you want to do with your life ? well, okay, you're still 19."

"you don't have a stable five-day-a-week job ? well, okay, you're still 19."

but in two days that "well, okay" turns into "start taking life seriously."

not that my age was ever really allowed to be an excuse in my brown household; i started college at sixteen, i'm about to graduate with my BA at 20, and still my family expects more from me. but my age felt like an escape outside of my family. like strangers would hear my age and see my credentials and say, "wow, that's pretty impressive," and turning 20 doesn't change the timeline, but it feels like the questions and comments and admiration will stop.

i don't want to be 20.

the thought of no longer hearing the word "teen" come out of my mouth when in response to someone asking my age makes my stomach twist in ways i didn't know were possible. it fills me with sorrow i didn't know i could feel. it's weird; before this i never really felt that age was a part of my identity. it changes every year, but there's something so unique about being a "teen." it's such a special stage in life that i wish i had learned to appreciate before it was too late, before i sat in my room writing about how i so desperately longed to stay 19 forever.

19 was somehow the best and worst year of my life. i found out i could, unfortunately, love someone very deeply. i experienced my first heartbreak, but i also came to love and appreciate my form of 'love.' my whole life i hated the type of person i was; i hated how "obsessive," "pathetic," and "desperate" i felt when all i wanted was for someone to see me, and somehow at the beautiful age of 19, i realized i am not any of those ugly words for being human.

thank you 19 for teaching me what eighteen years of life couldn't, for allowing me to feel both freedom and childhood in one year, and for giving me one final year where i felt like "me." maybe this is dramatic; i'll probably wake up in two days and feel no different than i felt the night before. maybe a year from now i'll be thinking about how 20 was the best year of my life. i hope i will, but for now i think it's okay to feel sad saying goodbye to such a unique year.

with sorrow,

nix

dear universe,

how could you make me sick and get my period during my birthday week....this is the worst (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥)

with pain,

nix

dear real madrid,

YOU SUCK !!! get it together.

with disappointment,

nix

made for me, left for you

 dear me,

this is my first official blog post; i'm so excited. yayyy !! i already have a lot of things i want to write about, but for right now i don't wanna rush everything, so we will be posting gradually...hopefully. i didn't realize how much of a perfectionist LOSERRR i was until making this blog omg. i always knew i was a bit off, you know, but as i was making this, i was getting physically overwhelmed because i needed it to be perfect, and every time i looked for inspo, i just felt like mine just wasn't good enough because people had mansion doors that opened into theirs, dress-up games, and movie theaters like, HOW do you even do that ? i kept adding things to mine, hoping it wouldn't feel so inferior, but i think the more i add to it, the more i will feel like it will never be enough, so at least for right now, i'm happy, maybe more like content, with the way it looks. 

when i had planned this, i wasn't thinking it would be so elaborate (i didn't know you'd have to code and all that TT), but of course i had to try when i saw everyone else's, even though this is just for me. at least i tell myself that, but part of me hopes that other people will find this and maybe enjoy it as much as i do. i mean, i would be lying if i said i didn't want people to see this after i put in so much effort lol. idk either way; i just hope i use this as much as i hope i will. i'm literally always talking AND writing, so there's like no reason for me not to lolz.

larping this being my bedroom... ( •̯́ ₃ •̯̀)

i think, or at least hope, that i was able to capture the vibe i was going for pretty well. i wanted to go for a childhood bedroom vibe, but the content is full of someone who is almost 20 years old (ahhhh...but that's a blog for another day) and is forced to go through adult situations and emotions and just kind of has to figure it out like everyone else. i want it to look like the little girl who collected dolls and plushies grew up and still brought them with her.

rooting for us,

nix